


Changing Image

by Grey (grey853)



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama, M/M, Series: Image series, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 04:20:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey853/pseuds/Grey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Blair both struggle to come to terms with the aftermath of Blair's rape and their changing relationship.<br/>This story is a sequel to Self Image.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Changing Image

## Changing Image

by Grey

Author's webpage: <http://grey.ravenshadow.net/>

* * *

Title: Changing Image  
Author: Grey  
Email address: Grey853@aol.com  
Rating: NC-17 for explicit language and sex. No violence. Pairing: J/B  
Status: New/Complete  
Date: February 1, 1998  
Archive: Yes to both.  
Archive email: Grey853@aol.com  
Series: This is the third in the "Image" series. The first and second stories were "Public Image" and "Self Image". Website: <http://grey.ravenshadow.net/>

* * *

Disclaimer: These guys don't belong to me, but I'm a believer in free will. 

Summary: Jim and Blair both struggle to come to terms with the aftermath of Blair's rape and their changing relationship. 

Notes: If you haven't read the previous stories, you can still read this and understand it. Feedback and constructive criticism are always welcome. 

Changing Image  
by Grey 

Blair Sandburg paced anxiously around his doctor's office several minutes before finally settling into the chair across from her desk. His loose-fitting jeans sagged down from narrow hips and the black flannel shirt swallowed up the rest. While he sat biting the right thumbnail, he stared out the slatted blinds at the continuing snowfall. 

The door behind him opened and Dr. Rachel Ames walked in carrying a file. "Good morning, Blair. Sorry about running late. I had a phone call I couldn't leave right away." 

"What? Another headcase on the edge?" 

She maintained her professional smile, but glanced at her client with a renewed concern. His brown curly hair needed washing and he hadn't shaved. Dark bruises circled sad eyes that refused to meet hers. "Is that what you're calling yourself these days, Blair, a headcase?" 

"Might as well. Everyone else thinks it." 

"Everyone else being?" 

"Come on, Doctor. It's been almost three months and I'm still not working. Jim's been back on the job almost from the beginning." 

"Jim wasn't raped." 

Blair gulped noticeably before commenting. "True. Even so, I need to know how much longer this is going to take. Next week is Christmas. I'm still stuck. I can't seem to get anywhere with anything." 

"Where is it you want to go?" 

"I need to get back to work." 

Watching her client carefully, Dr. Ames slid into her chair behind the desk. Keeping her voice neutral, she asked, "Do you think you're ready for that?" 

"Sure. Why not? I've lost almost a whole semester at the university. I could go back in January." 

"Can you tell me why you think you're ready?" 

"Because I need to work. I hate sitting around the apartment." 

"But that doesn't answer the question." 

"I can't hide in the loft forever, Doc. I mean, I know I can't go back to the station yet. Even I know I'm not ready for that, not with everyone knowing what happened." 

"Blair, what happened to you was in the papers, reported quite graphically, especially after Young's family tried to make it clear that his attack on you was because of a brain tumor so that his estate could still get his pension." 

Squeezing his eyes shut at the memory too glaring in his mind, Blair didn't respond for several long moments. Weakly, he finally said, "I know. But, somehow, it doesn't seem as bad there. Jim doesn't work there." 

"Have you been on the campus at all since the attack?" 

"No. I haven't been anywhere except the loft and doctor's offices. That's one of the reasons I need to get back to work." 

"You keep using the word need. My concern is your readiness." 

"You don't think I'm ready yet." Anger started to warm the edges of his words. 

"In my opinion, no." 

"Well, no offense, Doc, but fuck you." He slammed his fist into his leg several times. 

"Stop that, Blair. If you want to hit something, use the pillow." 

"It's not the same." 

"I know, but we've talked about this before." 

Becoming very still, Blair nodded. "I know. You won't let me hit myself in your office." In a weaker voice, he continued. "I'm sorry. I'm not really angry with you." 

"I know that, too. Can you talk about that anger? Did you do your homework last night?" 

"You mean did I write down all the things that made me angry in the last 24 hours? No." 

"Why not?" 

"I didn't want to." 

"This is the third time this week you've been resistant to working on this." 

"Look, I just don't see the point of writing stuff down that pisses me off or about what I dream of or anything else. Hell, I don't even want to think or talk about it, much less write about it. Writing about it just makes everything all too real." 

"Don't you think that's the point?" 

"I know the fucking point, Doctor. I just don't want to do that. It's not working. I just want my life back." 

"I know you're frustrated, Blair. You're at a difficult point." 

"You could say that. Look, I think I should drop my sessions to once a week like Jim's." 

Staring at the man across from her, she watched as he started chewing on his thumb again. The end of each finger flashed like bloody nubs. "I don't think that's a good idea yet. We're down to three right now." 

"Four, if you count the one I do with Jim." 

"I can't go along with dropping it to one. Frankly, I was going to suggest starting the every day routine again for just a little while." 

"What? You're kidding, right? No way." 

"Blair, listen. When I agreed to changing to three times a week, you were working with me on your assignments. Right now, you don't seem to want to do that." 

"So you want to punish me for taking back control of my own therapy? What kind of deal is that? That is like so not cool." 

"Blair, honestly, do you see yourself getting better?" 

"Sure. I'm not so freaked out as I was. Besides, as soon as I can go back to school, things have got to get better. I just know if I go back to my studies and teaching, all this stuff will ease up. I'll have plenty to do to keep me busy. Then, when I'm really ready, I can start helping Jim again." 

"When you say 'all this stuff', what exactly do you mean?" 

"You know what I mean." 

"I need you to tell me." 

"I mean the nightmares and the flashbacks." 

"What else?" 

Shifting uneasily in his chair, Blair glanced back to the window focusing on the clean whiteness of the snow. "I guess, you're talking about the depression." 

"That would be it, yes. Have you thought anymore about my suggestion of medication?" 

"No drugs, Doc. I told you I don't believe in all that shit. I'll be better when I can work. My regular doctor's released me. I just need you to sign off on it so Jim won't be such a hardass. I mean, it's my decision, right?" 

"To a point." 

"What do you mean to a point? These sessions are voluntary. Nobody but Jim is making me come here and frankly, even that's starting to piss me off." 

"Why is that?" 

"Because. It's like he doesn't trust me to get better on my own. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm never getting better." 

"Has he said that?" 

"No, but I know he's thinking it. He looks at me with those big ice blue eyes and, man, it's like he sees this pathetic guy who can barely tie his own shoes sometimes." 

"Is that what Jim sees or is that what Blair sees?" 

"Man, I knew you were going to say that. And, no, I don't have delusions of being psychic. Did I mention that I've been in and out of therapy since I got out of diapers? I've heard all the psychobabble. I'm just really tired right now. I need a break and work can do that for me." 

"Do you see teaching as an escape from dealing with the real issues?" 

"Real issues? You mean like the fact that I was raped by a psychopathic homophobe? Or might you be suggesting that I'm still having trouble dealing with a new sexual identity since I started fucking another man? Or let's see, maybe it's the fact that I sit around all day and most of the night thinking about how much easier it would be for Jim if I weren't around to screw up his life anymore?" Blair stopped talking abruptly, out of breath and frightened by his own admission. 

Dr. Ames sat up on alert, her voice level. "Would you say that last part again, Blair? What exactly do you mean about not being around?" 

"Nothing. I didn't mean what you think." 

"Tell me what I think." 

"I'm not like suicidal or anything, at least, not seriously. It just slips up on me sometimes." 

"And what do you do when it slips up on you sometimes?" 

"Nothing much. If I sit there long enough, Jim comes home and it passes. That's sort of why I think I should go back to work. I've got like way too much time to think, you know." 

"It sounds like you're trying to avoid your problems rather than resolve them." 

"Avoidance is like way underrated as a valid coping mechanism in modern society. In civilized cultures around the world it saves hundreds of lives every single day." 

"And you think it's a way of saving yours?" 

"Yeah, maybe. Like I said, Doc, I really need to get my life back." 

"Do you trust me, Blair?" 

Suddenly suspicious, he answered cautiously, "Yeah, mostly." 

"I think it's too soon to go back full time. Perhaps if you want to test yourself, you could try taking a class." 

"Doc, I can't afford to take classes if I don't teach. I'm on a teaching fellowship, that means I'm supposed to teach." 

"There are ways around that." 

"Yeah, if I want Jim to pay for it. I'm not going to do that. He already supports me. Did I mention that's another for my what pisses me off lately list?" 

"Why?" 

"Please. It was bad enough when I was helping him in his work. I felt like it all balanced out. Now, it's like he's carrying me. I hate being dependent." 

"Do you think that Jim thinks he's carrying you?" 

"No, of course not. He thinks it's being supportive." 

"And it's not?" 

Shaking his head as if to ward off confusion, Blair's voice trembled. "Yeah, it is, but, it's also hard. I don't feel like he's getting his money's worth." 

"What do you mean by his money's worth? Is that how you see yourself in this relationship?" 

"Come on, Doc. Don't twist everything I say. I don't see myself as a whore exactly. It's just that I'd like to feel closer to even, you know. I mean, Jim always did carry most of the load, but now it's like I'm this huge burden. I hate feeling that way. I hate the fact that Jim's having to do it all pretty much by himself because I'm so fucking useless these days. It all just pretty much sucks." 

"And you think teaching again will help you feel useful?" 

"Yeah, I do. I need to feel like there's some reason in my life, some purpose. About the only thing I ever did that I was good at was being a student and teaching." 

"And you don't think you have value outside of what you do?" 

"Don't start with that self-esteem shit, okay. I'm just trying to explain how I feel about my job. I want to go back to work. Now, either help me out with this or not. I don't want to have to fight with Jim about it. He'll listen to me better with your support." 

"And if I don't think you're ready?" 

"Then I guess I'll have to fight him on my own. I'm going back to work, Doctor, with or without your blessing." 

"Why do you think Jim's going to fight you?" 

"Because he's over protective. He thinks I'm going to break." 

"And what do you think?" 

"I think if I don't go back now, I really will go crazy." 

Still uneasy with Blair's statements, Dr. Ames sat quietly for a moment. Then she spoke softly. "It's your decision, but I'd like to make a deal with you." 

"What deal?" 

"As long as you keep up with your sessions and do your homework here, I'll feel better about telling Jim not to worry quite so much." 

Barely brightening, Blair nodded. "Okay, but I'd still like to only come once a week." 

"No, let's keep it at least 3, more if you need it. If you show dramatic improvement, then we'll talk." 

"Okay. Now all I have to do is tell Jim." 

"Did you want to schedule that appointment now?" 

"Gee, you're finally getting a sense of humor." 

Smiling grimly, Dr. Ames said simply, "Actually, I wasn't kidding." 

* * *

Jim Ellison opened the door to a dark loft. Inside he felt a cold draft from the open balcony doors. Flipping on the lights before he called out, he yelled, "Jesus, Chief. It's freezing in here. What's going on?" 

"Sorry. I was just thinking." 

"Out in this weather with no coat on? Get in here and shut the door." 

Without any comment, Blair came into the living room, his dark hair glittery and wet with snowflakes. His bright red nose and ear tips testified to the chill. 

"What the hell are you thinking?" 

"What's your problem, man?" 

"My problem? You're going to catch pneumonia pulling a stunt like that. Look at you. You're soaking wet. Go get out of those clothes, take a hot shower, and get yourself something dry to wear while I turn up the heat." 

"Man, you are like so damn bossy. I was just standing around thinking. Don't come in here and make some big federal case over it." 

Taking long calming breaths, Jim controlled his voice. "Listen, babe, I didn't expect to come home to a human popsicle, okay. It just surprises me that you'd do that. I mean, I know how you hate the cold." 

"Yeah, well, it's not so bad once you get used to it. Actually the snow's kind of pretty with all the street lights shining through, all kind of sparkly. Guess I just sort of lost track of time." 

"I worry, Chief. I don't want you getting sick." 

"I know, Jim. Sorry." Looking down at himself, holding his hands out from his sides, Blair noticed his condition for the first time. "I guess you're right. I should get cleaned up." 

"Go on. I'll start us a fire and get some supper going." 

"Supper? Oh, man, I'm sorry. I was planning to make some spaghetti, but I forgot. I can't believe that. I am like so incredibly stupid." 

"You're not stupid. Forget about it. It's no big deal. I'll fix us soup and sandwiches or something." 

Nodding, still dejected, Blair headed toward the bathroom. His wet pantlegs dragged along the floor and his straggly hair plastered his skull. After the door closed, Jim set about raising the temperature in the loft to remove the chill. Then he boiled water for tea, made himself some coffee, and started dinner. Weariness from work put on hold, he wanted to make sure his lover had everything he needed. 

After a few minutes, he heard the shower start. Reaching over, he hit the play button for the phone messages blinking on the machine. Only one came up. "Hey, Blair, it's Cindy. How ya doin'? Anyway, I checked on that opening like you asked, and Dean Winders says that if you're still interested, he's got two each of Anthro 101 and 201that he needs covered for next semester. He wants you to call him by tomorrow if you can. Call me later if you want to talk. Bye." 

More hurt than angry, Jim headed down the hall to the bath and opened the door. Just drying off, Blair jerked the towel up to cover himself, but not soon enough. The bruises on his legs and arms drove away Jim's words. 

"Hey, Jim, just give me a minute here. I'm not really in the mood for peekaboo, okay. Maybe later." Noticing his sentinel's focus, he turned away and said, "Go on, Jim. I'll be out as soon as I'm dressed." 

Shutting the door behind him, Jim went back and sat at the kitchen table totally confused. A few minutes passed before Blair sat down beside him. "Jim, you okay? Don't zone on me here, man." 

Reaching out he took his lover's hand. "Tell me what's going on, Chief. Where'd those bruises come from?" 

"No big deal. I got kind of pissed off at my session today. Guess I got carried away." 

"Shit. You did that to yourself?" 

"I wasn't paying attention. It's okay. They don't hurt or anything." 

Shaking his head in disbelief, Jim fought back the ache that claimed his heart and clutched at his throat. "I thought you were finished with hurting yourself like that, Chief." 

"Just a little relapse. It's okay. I gave that pillow in Doc's office a nasty little thrashing, too." 

"Don't joke about this. It's serious." 

Pulling away, Blair went over to pour some water for tea. "Don't worry about it, Jim. I'm okay now." 

"Is that because you think you're going back to work?" 

"Man, what's up with you tonight? You've had that fucking tone in your voice since you got here." 

"What tone is that?" 

"You know what tone. That displeased but tolerant enough to eat shit tone. Just stop it." 

"No, I don't think so. I heard the message from Cindy." 

He stopped stirring his tea long enough to ask, "What message?" 

"You were so busy freezing your ass off, you must have missed it. She said there were some classes open for next semester." 

Pausing before he spoke and not meeting his lover's eyes, Blair's voice softened. "I meant to tell you about it." 

"When? After you were already committed to teaching?" 

"No. I was going to tell you tonight. I talked to Dr. Ames about it first. She said it was okay." 

"I don't believe that." 

"You calling me a liar?" 

"No. I'm saying you're only tell me part of it as usual. I think you'd refer to it as an embellishment. Well, forget that. You're not ready to go back yet." 

"Who the hell made you god of Cascade? No, forget that. It was a self-appointment, no doubt." 

"Just stop it, Blair. Why are you doing this? You know you're not ready yet." 

"According to you. I'm not going over this again. We've talked it to death already. I'm only going to say this one more time. I am going back to work. If you can't handle that, then that's your problem." 

"It's both our problems. We're in this together." 

"Then why do you keep pulling this I know what's best for you shit? I'm really tired of it." 

His voice barely rose above a whisper. "I love you, Blair. I'm just afraid." 

Blair put down his mug and walked over to stand behind Jim's chair. Slowly he stroked the top of his head and leaned forward to kiss his neck. An involuntary moan rewarded him for his efforts. "I know you do, Jim. I love you, too." 

Reaching up to take his lover's hand, Jim brought it forward to rest against this heart. "Please, just promise me that if it gets to be too much that you'll let me help." 

Shaking his head, Blair pulled away. Anger laced his tongue. "Man, you've got a lot of faith in the old guide, huh? Thanks. That makes me feel so much better." 

"I'm sorry. I just don't seem to be able to say anything right tonight. Maybe I should just fix dinner and shut up." 

"Maybe." 

"Blair?" 

"What?" 

"Just promise you won't leave me." 

"Man, I'm the one's who's supposed to be insecure here. What's up with you these days, Jim?" 

"I don't know. I've never been this in love before and I guess it scarier than I thought. I don't want to smother you, but I see myself doing it. I know you have to make your own decisions, but it's just so damn hard after everything that's happened. I guess I just never expected it to be this difficult." 

"Yeah, loving me can make life a real bitch some times." 

"Why do you do that?" 

"Do what?" 

"Say stuff like that. You never did that before." 

Looking ashamed, Blair shrugged, "I don't know. I just feel pissed all the time lately. I don't mean to take it out on you, but, hell, next to the doctor, you're the only one I get to see. Guess you're an easy target." 

"I don't like it, Chief." 

"Look at it this way, after I start teaching again, I'll pick on the students instead." 

"Not funny. This is no joke." 

"Man, lighten up. I'm really trying here. This is the best I can offer. Neither one of us should have to worry about every little thing we say. Why don't we just start over tonight?" 

"Okay." Feeling more settled, Jim offered, "How about I finished dinner and we can just watch some TV?" 

"Better idea. You go get cleaned up and I'll finish dinner." 

"You sure?" 

"Yeah, no problem. Go on. You've had a long day. I'll have something done by the time you get out of the shower." 

Jim moved over and leaned down for a short kiss. Blair relaxed in his arms and then pushed him away lightly. "Come on, Jim. Later. I know you're tired and hungry." 

"Sure thing, Chief." 

As soon as he was out of the room, Blair sat down and pounded his leg. The pain rushed up like an cleansing breath focusing all his inner misery into one external spot. If he took long deep breaths, he might even make it until bedtime without flying apart. 

* * *

"Hey, Professor Sandburg! Wait up." The words traveled like a roar across the campus grounds. Blair stopped, turned, and saw Teddy Marcum from one of his classes running across the quad. Heart thumping like a snare drum, he waited. 

"Hi, Teddy. How are you doing?" 

"I'm doing fine. Hey, you look like you've lost some weight, but you look okay. I was afraid, I mean, ..., well, anyway, I'm glad you're alright. There were a bunch of us who were worried about you after what happened and all." A few awkward heartbeats later, he continued, "I just saw you and wanted to tell you that I had Anderson this last semester and got an A." 

"That's great, Teddy." Sucking on the icy air piercing the lining of each lung, Blair tried to move on. "I'm glad it's working out for you." 

"Listen, Professor. I had to tell you thanks for helping out like you did." 

"Helping how?" 

"You know, you helped tutor me on all that analysis and style in the writing course I was failing. I don't think I could've been doing any of this without all those tips you gave me." 

"That's really great, man. You just needed a little hint here and there. You already had all the basics." Blair's vision narrowed, his breathing snagging in his throat. 

"No way. I was lost and you keyed in on it. If you hadn't offered those study times, Derrick and I would never have made it." 

"You and Derrick?" 

"Yeah, you remember, Derrick Tomes? He was in the same class." 

A vision of a blond youth with intense brown eyes came to mind swirling up from a mass of fresh faces. "I remember. He did the comparison paper on the Aborigine and Native American use of dreams in indigenous religions." 

"Yeah. We're kind of close, the two of us, if you know what I mean." Teddy's blush brought realization. 

His voice teetered on the edge of control. "Well, I hope it works out for you. Look, Teddy, I need to go. I've got a meeting with the dean in a few minutes." 

Disappointment clouded his features. "Sure. I just saw you and wanted to talk." 

"No problem. I'm just running late right now. Maybe we'll talk later." 

Blue eyes warming again, Teddy smiled. "Sure, man. Derrick and I'd like that. We'd like to meet your friend, too, if you want to bring him. Maybe we could just sit and talk or something." 

"My friend?" 

"Detective Ellison. It's like really cool the way you two are out and everything. Derrick and I aren't sure if we want to do that yet, but we thought maybe we could talk about it. You could like tell us some stuff. I mean, you know what it's like being a couple and all." 

"Yeah, well let me get back with you, Teddy. I've got to go." 

"Sure, man. Later." 

Blair barely made it to the bushes behind the Anthropology building before he started throwing up the tea and toast that Jim had stuffed into him just an hour earlier. Then nothing but air heaved onto the snowy spaces between Blair and cloudy world. 

* * *

"Ellison, my office." Simon watched with concern as Jim slowly rose and threw his papers down on his desk. He waited until his best detective came into the room and then shut the door before speaking. "Okay, Jim. Tell me what's going on with you today." 

"It's nothing to do with work, sir." 

"I figured that. Come on. What's going on? You've been out of it all morning. You might as well be home." 

"I'm sorry. I'm just worried."  
"About Blair?" 

Jim stepped over to stand by the window, arms folded tightly around his chest. The dark blue sweater did little to warm him against his inner chill. "He' s on campus today. It's the first time he's been there since his attack." 

"Is he going back to school?" 

"That's what he wants to do." 

"But it's not what you want." 

"No, sir. I don't think he's ready to work yet." 

Simon sat down behind his desk, weighing his words carefully before speaking. "Maybe you just have to let him find out for himself." 

Whirling around, anger flashing, Jim snapped, "Don't you think I know that? Of course, I know it. But, hell, you haven't been living with him lately. You haven't seen what's been going on." The tension in his voice vibrated the tight cords fluctuating in his neck. 

Simon kept his tone even. "I thought he was improving." 

"Yeah, well, in some ways he is. He's eating some, but now instead of being sad all the time, he's mad. Dr. Ames says it's like the same thing as the stages of grief. He's got to get over being mad before he can reach acceptance. Right now, he's pretty much continually pissed." 

"Well, that can't be easy for you." 

"It's not. He's always pushing like he's deliberately trying to make me lose it. It's almost like he's testing me." 

"Testing you how?" 

"To see how much I'll take. To see if I really love him enough. I know it sounds crazy, but that's what it seems like." 

Simon shook his head. "No, it doesn't sound crazy at all. You know the Kid's never been that sure of himself. Then after all this, maybe he just can't believe you still care. You know how he is. Everything's a test with him." 

Smiling sadly, Jim nodded. "Yeah, I know. It's just I'm tired. I want him to be okay again, but he's just having a really hard time." 

"In what way?" 

"Nightmares. He still sleeps in his own room downstairs, but every night I end up going down to hold him until he stops shaking. At first he used to wake up screaming, but now he makes this little sound like he's trying to muffle his cries." His lean face twisted with memory. "I think I preferred the screams." 

"Damn." 

"And it's more than that." 

"You might as well finish it." 

"I'm really afraid he's going to hurt himself." 

"Why?" 

"He's got these bruises. He says if he can localize the pain outside, it won't hurt so much inside." 

"Oh, man. His doctor know about this?" 

"She knows. Short of putting him in the hospital, there's not much either of us can do except just keep an eye on him." 

"I'm sorry, Jim. Sounds frustrating as hell." 

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry for being so lousy around here this morning. Maybe I should just take a personal day or something." 

"No, not unless you want to. You can just stay in and get caught up on those back files." 

"Gee, that's a delightful choice." 

"Jim, just hang in there. You know the Kid's worth it." 

"You're preaching to the choir, Simon. I'm just tired." 

"Well, if you are, imagine how Blair feels." 

"Sir?" 

"He's the one at war with himself. Sounds like he putting up quite a battle." 

"He is. It's just that Blair never was much on fighting." 

"Now, there's where we have to differ. The Sandburg I know has been at war trying to win his place for most of his life. He's got a lot more courage than I ever thought when I first met him. He certainly has been a bundle of surprises." 

"He most assuredly has." Jim's sly smile betrayed his lustful thoughts. 

"Stop that. I don't even want to know. Get on out of here and get back to work." 

"Yes, sir, and Simon." 

"What?" 

"Thanks. Blair likes you, too." 

* * *

Pine cones and cinnamon mingled to spice the air. Lights twinkled rainbow colors, reflecting against the shiny ornaments sprinkled all over the student union tree. As Blair focused on the wavering silver strands of tinsel, it swayed with the arrival of each crowd of young people. All the chattering sounds of Christmas dulled behind an instrumental musical of "I'll Be Home for Christmas". 

From behind he heard someone whisper, "Hey, isn't that the fag that teaches Anthropology?" 

"Shut up, Winston. It's Christmas. Leave him alone." 

As the voices faded, Blair found his lips twisting into a haggard smile. He'd been saved the terror of confrontation by the very season that weighed so heavily on his mind. Christmas had never been a holiday that meant much, but this one would be the first one with Jim. He wondered what the hell he should do. He added it to another one of his long mental lists. 

"Hey, Chief. What you thinking?" 

Turning in surprise, he dropped his back pack. "Jim, what are you doing here?" 

Helping him pick up his things, the sentinel shrugged. "It was late. I thought I'd see if you were ready to go home for the day." 

"Late? How late?" 

"It's after seven." 

"Really? Man, I'm sorry. I must have lost track of time." 

"You've been doing that a lot lately. You okay?" 

"Yeah, I think so. Hey, why don't we go and get something to eat? I'm kind of in the mood for pizza." 

"We haven't eaten out in months. You sure?" 

"Don't make a big deal out of it, Jim. I just thought it'd be nice to not have to go home and cook for a change." 

"Sure. Fine. I'd like that. We'll use my truck and get your car later." 

"I didn't bring my car. I took a bus to campus today." 

Jim cocked his head and studied his friend. "You really tested your legs, huh?" 

"I took a bus, Jim. It wasn't a trip to Tibet or the moon for godsakes. I'm doing okay. Just ease up on the concern a little." 

"I can do that. Prizarri's okay?" 

"Sure. So, how'd your day go?""No problems. Got a lot of paperwork done." 

"Paperwork? Jim, you hate paperwork."  
"Yeah, I know, but it still has to get done. Now, I don't have to do it tomorrow." 

"True. How's Simon?" 

"You know Simon. He doesn't change much." Almost to his truck, Jim reached out and put his hand to Blair's back. "Did you talk to the dean?" 

"He offered to let me teach next semester." 

"And what did you tell him?" 

"I told him no." 

Jim turned quickly to see Blair's small smile. "You told him what?" 

"I told him I was still having a few problems, but that I might be ready to do some private tutoring later on and I could still work on some grants and write private proposals." 

His throat dry, Jim swallowed, his saliva tasting like sand. He unlocked the passenger's door. "So, what changed your mind, Chief?" 

"Something happened this morning that caught me off guard." 

His skin pebbly with pain, he asked softly. "Nobody hurt you did they?" 

Seeing his lover's concern, Blair reached up and touched his cheek tenderly. "No, it's okay." Suddenly realizing they were standing out in the open, he whispered huskily, "Let's forget about pizza. I want to go home instead. We need to talk in private. I want be with you in private, Jim." 

The larger man's arousal made movement feel like unshed tears, but he got them both in the truck. Blair said very little on the drive, but kept his hand on Jim's thigh, massaging the tense muscle. He did, however, have to keep reminding Jim to keep the truck on the road. 

Once inside the loft, Blair stopped his arm as Jim reached for the lights. "No. Leave them off." 

Peeling themselves out of their coats, the men stumbled together to the couch. Wrapping his arms around Jim's broader shoulders, he pulled him close and captured cool lips, the soft skin like silk against his tongue. The clean snowy freshness melted to heat still lingered around the fleshy edges of an unshaved cheek. Contrast of fire and ice laced the edges of both tongues, each wrestling in a lazy, delicious panic. Forcing himself to stop for a moment, Blair pulled back. 

Hungrily Jim reached for him. "No, Chief. Don't stop." 

Chuckling deep within his throat, Blair drew his finger across the trembling outline of his lover's lower lip. "I'm not, Jim. I just wanted to talk for a few minutes. Can we do that or is all the blood completely drained from your brain at this point?" 

"Guess it depends on if you believe the story that says I don't keep my brains in my head." 

A wild laugh escaped as the younger man nudged his lover's chest with his forehead. It played like glorious music on sentinel ears. "You sound happy, Chief. It's been awhile." 

"Yeah, it has. I'm sorry about that." 

"Come on, babe. Not your fault. Tell me what you want to talk about. I'm all ears." 

Reaching down to rub the man's swollen crotch through his jeans, Blair laughed quietly. "Funny ears here, Jim." 

"Oh, man, you are so bad. What's up with you today?" 

Placing Jim's hand on the throbbing bulge between his legs, he nudged forward. "Same as you probably." 

Through the rough cloth, Jim felt each pulsing ripple of heat, each crinkly sting of hair. Fever traced and linked through all the cells of his skin, webbing his brain with liquid spin. From a far distance, Blair's voice traveled a narrow path to snatch his mind back to the present. "Jim, this is no time to zone. I need to talk to you." 

"I'm on overload here, babe. Do you realize that's the first time you've actually let me touch you there?" 

"Yeah, I know. I thought it was about time." 

His labored breathing thickened his words to a whisper. "God, I love you, Blair." 

"I love you, too, Jim. I know I've been really pissy lately. I'm sorry about that." As his lover started to speak, Blair put one finger to his lips to still the refrain. "I know, I need to stop saying I'm sorry, but it's hard. Sometimes I feel like this whole mess is my fault. Wait, Jim, let me say this while it's all still clear in my head. If I can actually say it, maybe I can understand and put it to rest, at least for tonight anyway." 

Remaining quiet as stone, Jim gazed deeply into the wide dark blue eyes of the man he loved. Seeing him there, so intensely focused, expanded his heart to sheer mammoth force. No one and no thing meant more to him than this one being, and the realization of that amazed him. Jim, practical and forget the mystical world, Ellison never expected to be touched by magic. Blessed Protector felt suddenly blessed. 

"I had an epiphany today, Jim." 

"An epiphany?" 

"Yeah, you know. One of those blazing insights that kind of wrecks all the concrete assumptions that supported all your beliefs?" 

"I know what an epiphany is, Chief. Tell me about yours." 

"First, l have to tell you that when I left here this morning, I just knew I had everything figured out. I was going to teach again, everything would fall into place, and then la de da, I'd be back on the beat, you know, Sentinel and guide on the beat." 

"La de da?" 

"Yeah, and we were going to live happily ever after, too." 

"I like that ending.' 

"But it's not going to happen like that." Feeling his lover's hand tense against his palm, he held on even more tightly. "Don't worry, Jim. We're going to be okay, but there aren't any shortcuts. I know you understand that. You always did, but I didn't. I've never been one who can handle the long haul. Cut and run. Things get tough, I'm out of there. But that's changed." 

"I'm glad." 

Lifting the large hand in his, Blair kissed the open palm and rubbed his rough cheek against sensitive fingertips. "Did you know that just about everyone on campus knows what happened and about us?" 

"It doesn't surprise me." 

"Does everyone at the station know we're together?" 

"Simon, knows for sure. Most people don't ask, but I'm sure they know." 

"If they did ask, what would you say?" 

"Depends on how the question came up. I would never deny us, but not everyone has a right to an answer." 

Nodding into the darkness, Blair tilted his head. Shifting, he cuddled up beside Jim and rested there. After a few moments more of silence, Jim nudged, "Tell me about this epiphany deal.""It was strange. The first person who spoke to me was a student. He wanted to thank me for helping him out and then he asked if we could talk with him and his lover about how to be a couple." 

"What?" 

"Yeah, I guess we're just poster boy material." 

"Well, you're pretty enough, Chief, but it's not like I want to advertise." 

Petting the muscular arm as he leaned there, Blair nodded. "I know. But, he was really sincere. My reaction surprised me." 

"Tell me you didn't sign us up as guest speakers for the gay community rec center." 

"So not cute, Jim. No, I threw up." 

"Oh, baby. Why?" 

"I wasn't sure at the time, but I think it was because I finally realized that it wasn't other people's opinions that mattered. It was mine." 

"And your opinion is?" 

"That sometimes I don't like myself very much." 

"I've noticed that, Chief. I've never understood that about you." 

"I'll add it to the list, Jim. I know it's hard for you to get, but not everyone loves me like you do. Your judgment's just a little impaired when it comes to me. Admit it." 

"I admit that I love you, but even before I realized it, I knew you were a great person, smart, beautiful, and most of all kind." 

"Swell my head, man. Stop. Anyway, I finally realized that I'd bought into all the crap about not being worth much because I bought society's labels. I was gay now and people saw me differently. I saw me differently, through severely tainted eyes." 

Jim turned and pulled Blair closer against his chest, resting his head on top of a nest of brown curls. 

Wet words pushed to be heard. "I threw up because I couldn't stand the fact that I'd been wasting my time being all screwed up. I got lost, seriously and hopelessly lost in a maze of winding terrors that I created. Granted, society set the foundation, but I let them grow." 

"Tell me about them." 

"First and foremost, Young has to go. I'm sick of his ugly face haunting my dreams. I'm going to work really hard with Dr. Ames and you and we're going to kick his sorry ass." 

"Tag team him, huh." 

"Yep. Then I'm going to try to get past this awful fear I have of not being good enough. I know you've told me countless times. So have other people, but we both know, it's up to me to really believe it. I never really did until today." 

"What else happened today?" 

"It's the strangest thing. After Teddy and I talked and I got over puking up my guts, I ran into 5 other people who all said they were glad I was back. Of course, I heard a whole litany of fag and queer words behind my back, but, for some reason, they didn't seem to bother me as much. Maybe I'm numbing myself to the hatred. And then there was the dean. He shocked the shit out of me." 

"Why? What'd he do?" 

"Well, he offered me the teaching job, but then he said he hoped I didn't take it." 

"Did he say why?" 

"Sitting there, he got real quiet. He said he wanted to tell me a story about a young man he knew when he was in college. He then proceeded to tell me about his best friend who ended up killing himself because he hated being gay. The man sat there and cried in front of me, Jim." 

"Dean Winders did that? No wonder you were shocked." 

"I know. He's over 70 and always so proper. I was kind of speechless, so when I finally asked him why he was telling me this story, he floored me completely." 

"Damn, you know how to drag a story out." 

"He said his friend's eyes were hazel, brown flecked with gold and green. He said when he looked into my blue eyes he saw the same expression his friend had right before he hanged himself." 

The involuntary flex twinged against Blair's shoulder. "I know, Jim. It spooked me, too. If a man who's practically a stranger can see it, what have you been looking at for the past few months? No wonder you've been glued to my side. You're afraid I'm going to do it again, aren't you? Hell, I'm sometimes I'm afraid myself." 

"God, Chief. I hate it when you talk like that. Do you have any idea, any idea at all, what would happen if you ever did try it again? When you bruise your own body, I can hardly stand it." Jim barely choked out the words. 

"I'm sorry. I can't promise I won't ever think about it. Sometimes it all comes to a head and I can't stop it. I just want the terrible pain and memories to quit, to go away forever. I want to stop breathing in the smoke and horror that wants to devour my soul. But I will promise you this. I won't try to fight it alone anymore. I figure, if we're both guarding against the creeping blackness, I can save myself. 

"You can save both of us, Chief." 

"The two of us, Jim. You're right. It has to be both. Even when I was with Naomi, I always felt alone. I learned to be totally independent. Now, I have to change the way I see things. You're in my frame now." 

"Thank god." 

"It hasn't been easy. I know I come across as a people person, always into what others need, but in a way that was how I controlled my independence. I never shared myself until you came along. As much as I love you, that feeling scares me like nothing, and I mean nothing, ever has." 

"I know, Chief. It's like if we let the other person in, it's always a risk." 

"You're used to risk, Jim." 

"Not this kind. You're the most dangerous guy I've ever known. I want you and that scares me, and not because some people in society say it's wrong, but because allowing you to get close means you could steal my control. You could let me love you like breathing and then be gone. Trust is hard." 

"So true. And I'm not saying that I'm always going to feel as sure about what's happening between us as I do right now, but I have to say that I feel better now than I have in months." 

"Jesus, do you have any idea how worried I've been. I was so afraid you'd leave me." 

"Gee, Jim. I think we're a matched set of insecure guys. Want to go upstairs and work on building our self-esteem?" 

"I thought you'd never ask." 

The two men stood up together, each still holding on to the other. "Jim?" 

"Please, don't change your mind." 

"I'm not. I want to try moving upstairs for good." 

"I'd like that." 

"I'll bet. It means you won't have to come running down stairs in the middle of the night to keep me from damaging the furniture." 

"I never mind running to you, babe. I'm not too proud to be at your beck and call." Jim pecked the top of his lover's head with a sloppy kiss. 

"Spoil a guy like me and you're just asking for trouble." 

"Trouble's never been a stranger to either of us, Chief. We'll handle it." 

"I surely hope that's not all we'll handle. Close your eyes and count slowly to ten. I need a head start." 

"You're kidding." 

Teasing a button on his lover's shirt, Blair looked up, his eyes dilated to midnight blue. "Come on, Jim. Play along. I promise to leave a trail so you won't get lost." 

Breathing deep to stop the swimming in his head, Jim nodded and squeezed his eyes shut. Hearing Blair's tiny giggle tickled inside his throat. "One." Foot sounds paired up with shirt fall. 

"Two." Shoes dropping off like books from a shelf. 

"Three." A zipper unzipped and pants plopped halfway up the stairs. 

"Four." Slatted blinds being shut, curtains pulled. 

"Five." Elastic stretching, scraping against thin thigh. 

"Six." T-shirt pulling over a curly head, falling hair to bare flesh. 

"Seven." Sheets pulled back, white cotton brushing against flannel. 

"Eight." Mattress springs, a slight squeak and give. 

"Nine." Naked body stretching, muscles both relaxed and tense. 

"Ten." 

"Jim?" 

Panther sleek and efficient, Jim stripped while taking steps two at a time. Lying like a prize before him, Blair rested, centered in their bed. Arms up behind his head, his hair fanned out like silhouette against pale light. "Jesus, Blair, you're beautiful." 

Blushing shyly, he ran a fingers along his leg. "Bruises and all?" 

"The bruises will go away." Closing the distance between them, Jim sat on the edge of the bed. He placed his hand over Blair's, intertwining the fingers, and let them stay on the leg. "We'll let them heal together." 

Falling forward, chest to chest, he licked the tears from his lover's face, each eyelid a dot of steam to lips. His tongue traced a trail down the unshaved jaw and slicked the chin. Beneath him, Blair shifted to increase contact, his arm coming up and around to rub the sides of his back. Jim nibbled and bit the neck working his way to the Adam's apple, taking time to suckle for moans. Each nipple raked like a prize against a greedy, sandpaper tongue. He raised himself and moved to kneel between spread legs, as the younger man groped out for him, his eyes still closed. 

"Jim, please. I need you to touch me. Please." 

"Not a problem, babe." Taking the engorged cock in hand, the velvet pre-cum coated the smooth crown, dripping and glistening down the veins. "Blair, I want to take you in my mouth. Will you let me do that for you?" 

"My god, yes." 

"Raise your knees for me." 

"'Kay." Ragged, uneven breathing danced with racing heartbeat. Pale flesh flushed with scorching arousal. "Feels good." 

Still holding his lover's twitching cock, Jim grinned. "And going to feel better." Legs trembling on either side, he eased the tip to his lips, tasting a rush of salt and satin. Tang exploded across his mind as he licked along the crown and then dipped down to nip the underside. Blair brought his hips up to the sound of involuntary groans. With one long swoop, he closed in on almost half the length. Already close, Jim smiled smugly, knowing that it'd been so long for both of them. His own cock, rock hard, filled his hand. He matched the sucking to the pumping of fist. Stomach muscles tightened to ache to spasms like punches as lights flared into blue flashes behind thin lids. A splatter of bitter and musk coated his throat as Blair's hands held both sides of his head, his crotch convulsed and suspended at his lips. 

Slowly relaxing, Jim eased back and Blair settled back down. Voice raspy and thick, the young guide wheezed slightly. "Oh, my god. I never knew you could do that." 

"You've done it to me before, Chief." 

"Well, hell, no wonder you kept coming back for more." 

"Secret's out. Guess we're both hooked." 

"Oh, shit, what a wonderful addiction. No 12-steps for me, man." 

"Better not be. I'm your main supply, babe." 

"Definitely." Pulling up the cover from the end of the bed, Blair snuggled in closer, nesting between the two powerful legs of his sentinel. "Jim?" 

"Yeah, Chief?" 

"Could we spend Christmas here?" 

"Here in the loft?" 

"No, here in the bed?" 

Grabbing his guide around bare shoulders, he wrapped him closer, cradling his head. Nuzzling the top of his curls, he practically purred. "Sounds like a holiday plan to me." 

"You don't think Simon and the other would mind if you didn't show up until after New Year's." 

"Hell, no. They'd be jealous as hell though." 

"You think?" 

"You better believe it. Why do you think I really carry a gun?" 

Sneaking a hand under the covers, Blair lightly touched Jim's half-aroused cock with playful fingers. "No gun here, man." 

"That's because you took my bullets, babe." 

"Oh, man, let's not get carried away here. I'm not used to this sweet talk stuff yet. But, seriously, I want to spend Christmas together." 

"Me, too." 

"I was thinking that maybe we could put up some stuff." 

"What kind of stuff?" 

"Oh, I thought maybe a tree, a wreath, a bauble or two." The whole time he talked, Blair carelessly and gently moved his finger tips across his lover's awakening cock. 

"Oh, man, whatever you want. You want every tree in the forest and it's yours." Jim head fell back, his throat filled with a gruff moan. 

Chuckling as he continued to tease, Blair asked, "What about a little party?" 

"Party?" 

"We could have a few friends, not many, but I'd like to see people again. Maybe fix a quiet dinner, have a few drinks, then send them home so we could fuck like merry men." 

Caught mid-stroke, Jim laughed out loud. He reached down and removed Blair's hand from between his legs. "You're one wicked tease, Blair Sandburg." 

"Well, I'm learning." 

"Always the diligent student." 

"Always." 

"And an honor student at that." Licking at the fingertips, a whiff of his own pleasure tweaked his nose. It turned him on knowing that Blair's desire now matched his own. 

"Jim? You hungry?" 

"Chief, I'm so hungry, I could eat a guide." 

"Stop. I'm going to have to punish you for that one." 

"You want some of this? Bring it on, man." 

Fired by challenge and longing, Blair took charge. Raising up like sculpted sand, he traced the edge of his right palm along Jim's temple and jaw. Blue ice met blue wind. Hope became more than a word. It became Sentinel and Guide, souls braided as one. 

The end 


End file.
